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[Jul. 23rd, 2007|04:35 pm] |
My boyfriend took me to Snowshoe Mountain last week. It was much fun and relaxing, and I wasn't too sad when I gained 1.5 pounds at weigh in. We at the BEST food while we were there.
Pictures under the cut:
( check them out! ) |
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[Jul. 11th, 2007|03:52 am] |
WOOO HOOO!!! Last Monday, I joined Weight Watchers. I was worried about spending the money, but I decided that if I just stop eating out ONCE a week and cut out the vending machine purchases, I can afford the weekly fee! So I joined. And I was horrified with the results:
Starting weight... 342
But hey! It's a number, right? Because yesterday, OOH! I made that number go away! AND IT WILL NEVER COME BACK!! NEVER!
New weight... 336.5!
I lost 4.5 pounds last week!
My biggest surprise from the week is that I really enjoyed myself. I got a stomach flu/food poisoning (I don't know which, and I don't have insurance to find out... but I'm better now, so all is well!) on Wednesday, but I watched what I ate and wrote down EVERYTHING. And now, I'm finding that I really don't crave anything other than Dr. Pepper (and I've been able to cut back to 1 every 2 days... it helps quite a bit with my headaches and I've decided that I can use some of my flex points for something I do love). And I'm actually having fun with this! I'm sure I'll hit that "I HATE THIS!" period, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.
More later! |
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[Jul. 2nd, 2007|04:13 am] |
Ok really. It's been a year. And guess what I have to show for it... + 5 pounds. Yep. A new starting weight. 340.5
Ok... that was said. GET OVER IT! There's no more whining... no more excuses... no more "feeling too sick to exercise"... no more "I'll start Monday." I'M GOING TO START RIGHT NOW!
I have lots of things to blame for no improvement... but the truth is, I can only blame myself. But I'm not going to beat myself up. What's done is done... and I'm over that.
I joined TOPS last June. And I really wished it would have worked for me. The ladies in the group were so nice... but nice isn't enough. The diet that they used was written for someone who should consume 1200 calories, and my doctor recommends at least 1800 for me. And if that weren't enough, the scale didn't work for me and the group didn't have enough money to purchase one that would work for me. But I stuck it out because the ladies were so kind. But that group didn't work for me at all.
So I decided, in May, to do it on my own. But every time I tried, I would tell myself "I'll start next week." Well, this IS next week. So get to it!
Eric (my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years) and I are both big. And I think this has added to my problem. I was always uncomfortalbe with my body, but since he's comfortable with me (he thinks, for some reason, I'm the most beautiful person in the world), I think I've just accepted that I'm big. I know that Eric is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with (and he feels the same way), but I think I've been using that as a crutch. Just because I found Mr. Right doesn't mean I can slack and be lazy.
I know I'm rambling... but this is my blog and I'm allowed to say this.
I've found something I'm passionate about. Photography. I took a dark room class a few weeks ago, and I LOVED it. There was something peaceful about being in the dark room for hours... and the only thing that kept me from staying all day was my weight. After standing for a few hours, I had to go outside and sit down. I wanted to take and develop film, but my back ached and my feet hurt... and I couldn't do something I wanted to do.
My size can't stop me from doing the things I love. I have become dependent on my inhaler... I can't walk 20 steps without needing it. And that's bad. REALLY bad. My inhaler makes my heart race.
Ok... this is my "kick in the seat of the pants" post. Now to go and make it happen.
More later! Thanks if anyone read this. |
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[Feb. 16th, 2007|12:47 am] |
(I'll cut for length if you want me to... and I can remember how)
So... yeah. Life was going GREAT! From June of 06 until December 31, I managed to lose 36 pounds. I could have done better, but 36 was a good number for me!
So I decided, "hey! It's a new year! I can lose 100 pounds this year!" It wasn't difficult. 2 pounds a week was what I was usually losing once I put an effort into it and was "good."
So, when the new year came around, I was eating well, exercising more than I usually did... life was great!
Then, on January 4th, after driving home from the gym (and then stopping by GNC to pick up my vitimans), I was in a car accident. The old man who hit me "blacked out" and didn't know what he was doing or even where he was. He managed to hit the car in front of him, back into me, then hit the car in front of him AGAIN, who, in turn, hit the car in front of THEM. Yes... 4 cars in the accident. I hit my head on the roof of my car and, from where I tensed up when I saw he was backing up into me, I pulled my back and hurt my wrist... but physically, I mended up after a few days (and some nice meds provided by the hospital).
But emotionally... it drained me more than it should have. I cried for the next week. I mean REALLY cried... the only time I wasn't was when I was asleep. I cried at work... I cried during class... I couldn't stop crying.
It took me 2 weeks to get any satisfication from State Farm. I had to bum rides until I could get a rental car. Any my poor Malibu... it didn't make it. I loved my Malibu. We had been through a lot. But it's no more. =(
My grandfather loaned me the money so I could get a new car: a 2007 Toyota Corolla. It's a wonderful little car and I'm so blessed that he put up the money for me and I can pay him back when I can! So things are looking good again.
So... why am I still down? I've been sleeping way more than I should lately. All my friends keep asking "what's wrong?" I used to be one of the best workers at my workplace, but even that sucks now. My boss approached me 2 weeks ago and told me that I should take a week off. Which I did. And it didn't help. The day I returned to work, I found out that one of my co-workers passed away. I wasn't close to him, but he was like the guy everyone calls "pops" and acted like a grandfather to everyone. And that set me off again. And I'm still as down as ever.
How does everyone cope with hard times? I've been slowly cutting back on the Dr Pepper again (Dr Pepper is a drug to me. I crave it SOOOO bad!) and been going to Diet Dr Pepper. And I've been trying to eat more at home. But I just don't want to DO anything. I set my alarm for 9AM (I work until midnight so 9AM is REALLY early for me) to get up to go to the gym, but something always happens. My alarm doesn't go off or there is a foot of snow in my driveway or I feel really sick...
This needs to stop. I need help. I've been to my doctor about this and all he can say is "take this pill." I've taken the same pill before (Xantax) and it doesn't help me. I just get depressed that I have to take a pill to make me "pretend happy." I gave it 3 months, and I felt the same as always. And as soon as I stopped taking it, I felt better. And I really don't think I'm depressed. I really want to do all the things I used to. But every time I try, I think about a white mini-van speeding toward me and I just want to cry again. And I want it all to end.
I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now. And I hate the way it feels.
Please... a kind word... a cyber-hug... and advice... I could REALLY use it right now. My boyfriend and I put some posterboard on the back of my wall and we're writing "happy thoughts" on it to make us feel better (I think I'm bringing him down because I feel so blue). If you have something I can put on my "happy thoughts" wall, post that too. A short story or a poem or a quote or even a picture... I'll print them out and paste them up!
Thanks in advance. You all really mean so much to me. I wouldn't ask for such a favor otherwise. |
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[Nov. 8th, 2006|04:19 am] |
HELP! I can't stop sleeping! I know... it sounds weird...
I need some help coming up with a "routine" sleep/awake schedule. So here's how my day works:
Tuesday and Thursday I have school from 11AM until 4PM.
I work every day BUT Saturday from 5PM until midnight.
I try to workout the same time everyday, which is usually around 9AM on school days... the only problem is on my non-school days, I'm so tired from work and school the day before, that I sleep until 3PM. THEN... I get home around 1AM and I can't sleep because I slept until 3PM the day before. I just can't figure out what time I should get up every day and how to b |
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[Jul. 31st, 2006|12:16 am] |
Ok! THAT'S IT! No more "I'll start dieting again tomorrow... but for now I'll eat this entire pizza..."
My uncle died this week. My boyfriend and I have been arguing for the past few weeks and our relationship is turning sour. A law firm called and said that I might be sued if I don't pay an entire credit card bill (which I've been making monthly payments on) by the end of this month (yeah... there's no way I have that much money). STRESS is driving me crazy!!!
But I will fight. My goals for this week are:
Bed by midnight (missed that one tonight, but I just got off work)
Wake up at 8AM
Breakfast when wake up
Snack at 10AM
Lunch at noon
Snack at 3
Dinner at 6
Nothing to eat after dinner except sugar free hard candy and water.
I'm better than this... I don't need food to bring me comfort. |
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[Jul. 12th, 2006|02:36 pm] |
Starting Weight: 336.50
Current Weight: 318.00
I went to TOPS last night. We didn't have a meeting last tuesday due to the holiday, so we were weighing in for two weeks. I LOST TWELVE POUNDS!!! I didn't think I did that well because, coming from a big family (both number wise and pounds wise) we celebrate holidays by eating large, unhealthy meals... numerous times through the week. We love to celebrate.
I really can't believe how easily I'm losing weight... I almost feel bad for it. My friend (the friend that tells me "how it is" and I love her for it) was saying that, since I started out at such a high weight, anything I do is going to show improvement.
After reading all the lovely posts from the kind people at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) 100pounds2lose I decided to go to the YMCA and get a membership. I was really nervous about it at first... all the skinny people were walking around in their short shorts and tight shirts... but I did it anyway! I decided to go today around 1PM, and there wern't a lot of people there. I found a machine in the corner of the room where I could watch TV while exercising and everyone left me alone! I did 20 minutes on a treadmill, 10 minutes on a bicycle, and 5 minutes on that stupid, stupid stair climber machine... evil machine... I will conquor you! I think if I start going around that time, people will leave me alone and they will keep their comments to themselves.
I've limited myself to 4 20oz Dr Pepper's a week... for now. I tried to go "cold turkey" but realized that I get terrible headaches when I do that and that I will need to keep a bit of caffine in my diet for the time being.
I've created a kind of "motivation board" by my bedroom exit. I'm including pictures of the people I love, some clothes I'd like to wear when I lose weight, some motivational messages, and a picture of some things I've been wanting to buy and WILL buy when I lose x weight.
I'm feeling good! Better than I have in years! I really can't believe I let myself go this bad, but I'm onto becoming the new Erin!
Self Disipline = Self Love |
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[Jul. 7th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
I'm fat.
There... I said it. The first thing step toward fixing something is admitting you have a problem, right?
The Story: I've been big all of my life. I never let it get the best of me, though. In Elementary school, I was on the soccor team. In middle school, I held my own in gym, despite being the biggest girl there. In high school, I was on the marching band and in most of the theater productions. Truth be told, I never saw myself as big. I realized that I couldn't buy my clothes at the same stores my friends did, but I didn't think I was fat.
I graduated... then I lost that innocence that told me that I'm just like everyone else. I fell into a deep depression. And to make myself feel better, I ate.
I ate out of bordem. I had a desk job during that time, and I would always be eating while working. On Friday nights, my friends and I would go out and we would have all sorts of bowling alley or bar food. 90% of my meals came from fast food. I didn't know how to prepare food. If you couldn't drive to a fast food place or pop it in the microwave, I didn't eat it.
I weighed 230 pounds when I graduated from high school. Now... 5 years later... I weigh 330.
I realized I had a problem when my asthma started getting bad. I used my inhaler 3 or 4 times an hour. I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. I have problems with my left knee (granted I injured it, but carrying all this weight isn't doing any good). I'm not healthy.
The past few months, I've become seriously depressed about my weight. I won't let my boyfriend see me with anything less than a tank top and jeans on. I'm happy when my bathroom mirror fogs and I can't see myself when I get out of the shower. I squeal when I find something cute in my size... something that DOESN'T have flowers or stripes.
Last month, I went to a gastric bypass surgery meeting. My grandmother had her stomach stapled and my mother had gastric bypass surgery, so I thought maybe the surgery would be great for me as well. But, when I went to the meeting, I was embarassed. I was ashamed that I, the skinnest person at the meeting (by almost 100 pounds) had to rely on surgery to lose weight. These poor people couldn't walk... couldn't fit in the chairs in the meeting room... broke a sweat from sitting... I couldn't have this surgery and bump someone who really needed it from getting it.
I walked out of the meeting with a new look on life. I CAN lose weight on my own. I WILL lose weight on my own.
The next week, I joined TOPS. The women there are quite possibly the sweetest people I've ever met. They didn't snicker when I was first weighed (336.50 pounds). A few of them called me that week to give me support. I did my exercise, I watched what I ate, and the next week, I lost SIX POUNDS! I was the "loser of the week" at the meeting!
And now...: And now, I know I can do it! I've met some amazing people on LJ. With their suppor, plus the support of the ladies at TOPS, the support of my boyfriend, and the support of my best friends, I can do anything!
And to record my success, I decided to make a journal to keep track of my goals, strugles, and everything else between.
"I shall shape my future.
Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own.
I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me.
Or I can be lost in the maze.
My choice. My responsbility.
Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
~Anonymous |
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